You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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