Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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