Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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