There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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