My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
