I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
At least make sure they are 18
Why
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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