I just pynch a tree in the face
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
