I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Randomize
