You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
