i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Sorry my hands just texted you
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
