____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
