Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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