I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Randomize