You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
