i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
