3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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