My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
