I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
