Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
