Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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