Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
