I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
