Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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