Christians are straight up FREAKS
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
