Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
