I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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