Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
