he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize