Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
