Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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