My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize