i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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