i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Dear god my vagina.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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