first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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