Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
This girl is more easily done than said...
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
