Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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