I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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