my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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