Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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