There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
