Ambien. No doubt about it.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
