id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
