So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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