It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
