Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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