I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
