Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
