peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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