I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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