I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
