also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Im part way to drunk.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
