I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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