LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize