Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
